


Six Trips Around the Sun

by ilovethisship



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Post 5x04, and becho is mentioned because it is a thing and it exists here, clarke is jealous, just straight up angst, like there's literally nothing resembling fluff in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 00:43:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14726741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovethisship/pseuds/ilovethisship
Summary: Clarke tries to deal with the way things have changed





	1. Chapter 1

Everything is wrong. It’s wrong. There’s not even anything to pack, no belongings to shove into a bag and throw into the rover, because all of Clarke’s belongings are in a military-occupied valley and _Echo_ is in the rover so she can stay out of sight. No need to push Octavia any closer to her limit. And that means that Monty and Harper and Emori and Bellamy are there, too.

It’s all bullshit. All Clarke can do is sit beyond the edge of the firelight and stare off into the night. Nothing about it is remotely placating. Anything that might be relaxing about the solitude is drowned out by all of the noise. It’s _amazing_ how loud eight hundred and fourteen people can be. Of course, this group is preparing for another fight. Another conflict. Another war.

Madi’s laughter catches her ear and Clarke is tempted to turn, but the idea makes her sick to her stomach. The subsequent guilt feeds her nausea even more. If she looks, she’ll see the way someone else looks at Bellamy. She’ll feel the unease in the way Echo looks at her. She’ll see the way he stares in the direction Echo has gone. It’s beyond a protective instinct, beyond a familial bond. There’s more there and it gnaws away at Clarke’s insides and she just wants to scream over what a fool she is.

Everything else has gone wrong, changed into something unrecognizable. Why would Bellamy be the same?

Clarke tightens her arms around her stomach when she hears the heavy footfalls approaching. Sometimes she wonders if he hears alarm bells in his head when she’s in distress, and if that’s the case, why didn’t he come home sooner? It’s one more unfair accusation to throw at his feet. She knows it, but she’s angry and she can’t help it.

“Are you cold?” Bellamy asks.

Clarke shakes her head. It’s pointless to stay quiet, but she lets the pettiness win for just a moment.

“Is it Raven and Murphy or the impending march across hundreds of miles of desert?”

“It’s neither.”

“Let me guess. You don’t want to talk about it.”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Wow, six years in space did wonders for your interpersonal skills.”

Bellamy scoffs. “Yeah. And six years alone with a kid took yours to a new level.”

It’s really not funny, so Clarke isn’t sure why she has to bite her lip to hold back a laugh. She’s mad. Bellamy takes a deep breath and for a minute, she’s scared he’s going to turn and leave. Instead, he settles down next to her, not quite close enough to touch, but her entire right arm starts to tingle. If she leans just half an inch….

“Are you leaving?” This time, his voice breaks over the question.

There’s a knot in Clarke’s throat as she has to fight down tears in response. “Madi isn’t safe here.”

“Nowhere is safe right now, Clarke.”

“That’s….” Clarke shakes her head and stares down at her knees. “We’ll figure something out. Diyoza needs a doctor. I’ve got medical training, too. We can make a deal.”

“You’d leave your people. Just like that?”

Clarke breaks and glances over. He’s got his wrists hooked around his knees and is staring down at the ground. It would be much more convenient if Clarke could stop feeling anything except fondness and friendship when she looks at him. But all she can see are the lost possibilities; things she can never have, because he’s not hers and he never was.

He meets her eyes and the monster inside her chest roars. The idea of leaving him behind when she just got him back… it makes her want to throw up, but she has to worry about Madi. She can’t worry about the fact that he thought she was dead for six years… that he can’t hide the fact that he blamed himself. He blames himself for the literal monsters that surround them.

“These aren’t my people,” Clarke says. Fighting the urge to lean into him, she stands and brushes herself off. “They aren’t yours, either, Bellamy. It doesn’t matter that Octavia agreed to put her on _probation._ ” The word tastes horrible in her mouth, like the lie it is. “Echo isn’t safe here, either.”

Bellamy jumps up and grabs Clarke’s hand before she can move further away from him. “Clarke, that isn’t—”

“No.” Clarke thinks she’s going to pull her hand away, but she steps toward the comfort he always offers instead. “Octavia wants to make Madi a novitiate.”

“I won’t let that happen, Clarke. I promise.”

“Then don’t fight me on this. Let me leave.” Clarke stares up into his eyes, willing him to let her go, because her heart can’t take much more of this.

Instead, he pulls her into a hug and whispers into her ear. “I’m not letting you go alone.”

Clarke swallows hard and pushes back from his chest, finally breaking contact. “We’ll be faster on our own.”

Not willing to give him a chance to argue, she slides past him toward camp. The look on Echo’s face stops her in her tracks. If she hadn’t picked up on something between Echo and Bellamy before, the tight line of Echo’s mouth would have given it all away now. She can feel Bellamy’s fingers at her elbow and sidesteps before he can get a grip, but she turns around all the same.

“I meant it when I said you need to worry about Echo, not me. You remember Kara Cooper? From Farm station?” Clarke points toward the building Blodreina’s honor guard is all camped around. “That isn’t her. If Octavia changes her mind, snaps her fingers, it’ll be a blood bath before either of us can say anything.”

That ‘v’ forms between his eyes again, the one she always wanted to smooth away with her thumb back when she was too scared to touch him for too long. For different reasons. It’s deeper now, maybe because he’s closer to thirty, maybe because they’ve had hard lives.

“Then let us come with you.” He starts to reach out toward her again, but clenches his fist at his side instead. “Please. Don’t leave me behind.”


	2. Chapter 2

Was this a church once? Before the first time the world was destroyed? Before she was tortured just a few feet to her right? She used to wonder about the world before, create stories around it all for Madi, but it doesn’t seem important anymore. The only important thing about the building now is the relative solitude it offers. It’s the first real quiet Clarke has been able to find since everything started. She needs a minute alone in a way she didn’t expect. This is a moment to breathe, catch her bearings, try to wrap her mind around how thoroughly her world has already been destroyed.

Because nowhere is safe. Even Eligius is cracking at the seams. Less than fifteen hundred people left on this planet and no one can get along.

It’s not the first time in the last day Clarke has regretted letting the others tag along. Bellamy’s focused on getting Raven and Murphy down safely, which isn’t a _bad_ priority, but it’s throwing a wrench in the negotiations. Monty isn’t even willing to fight anymore and she doesn’t know what to do with that, because this is her home. None of them are willing to understand that she will kill to defend it. From Eligius. From Wonkru. It doesn’t really matter anymore.

The right thing to do is find a way for Madi to survive. Everyone else is secondary, even herself. Clarke knows that she will burn everything down if it will keep Madi safe.

When she is ready to face it all again, she opens the double doors to reveal Echo waiting in the front of the building. It feels like an ambush and Clarke jumps and reaches for her gun.

“We need to talk,” Echo says, unphased, before stalking into the main room.

Clarke takes a few breaths and tries to regain some semblance of calm before she follows.

Echo has taken a seat at a table near the other end of the long room. Clarke can see her catalogue every detail, file it away in case it will be useful later. It’s hard to separate this person in front of her from the person who threatened her safety multiple times in the past. But it’s been six years. Every one of them has changed.

But Clarke stays standing. Old habits die hard. “What would you like to talk about?”

Echo sighs and stands, leaning against the table instead. “Did you even want us to come back down?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“One everyone else is too afraid to ask.”

Clarke blinks, too caught off guard to have any idea what she is supposed to say back. It’s a ridiculous question. Things would be different if… they were different. But the world hasn’t seen fit to provide Clarke with peace and family at the same time. It’s just the way things have worked out.

“You have to speak out loud with me.” Echo spits the words out, glaring.

“What?”

“You pull into yourself and I can’t read you the way that… everyone else can.”

The monster inside twists and roars. _Bellamy_. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Echo.”

“I want you to say that you care about them the way they care about you. That you’re not going to leave them to rot if it gets you a good deal.”

“I wouldn’t—”

“I can’t read you well, but I know what evasion looks like, _Wanheda_.” Echo closes her eyes tight and she bows her head. “I mean Clarke. I’m sorry.”

“I have to protect Madi. She’s my family.”

“They all thought you were family before. I thought you felt that way, too, but I guess I was wrong.”

“What do you even know about family?” Clarke snaps.

Echo’s head whips up again and she bristles like a cat. “More than you! Bellamy is reaching out and you’re treating him like a… like an ally. Like a stepping stone.”

“Isn’t that what you’d prefer?”

Echo laughs. Clarke leans back against the table, preparing to defend herself, but Echo doesn’t make a move toward her. Instead, she sinks down into a chair, laughing bitterly into her hands.

“You have no idea, do you.” Echo’s voice is slightly muffled by her hands.

It’s not a question and she doesn’t have a response, so Clarke just waits for the laughter to subside.

“They _grieved_ for you. _Bellamy_ grieved for you for years. You don’t understand what it’s like to have to live in your shadow every single day.” When Echo looks up again, her face is streaked with tears. “And now you’re here. Alive. Do you think that Bellamy will ever let you go again?”

Clarke swallows hard and finds a chair before her knees give out. She brings a hand up to her face and is surprised when her fingers come away damp. It’s hard to breathe again. The monster inside of her earlier has dissolved, leaving her strangely empty. All of her jealousy stemmed from the fact that Bellamy and Echo were a solid unit; that Echo knew Bellamy in a way that Clarke didn’t… that Clarke would never know him.

And now, she only feels guilt.

“I’m… not sure what you want me to say.” She searches Echo’s face for the answer and gets nothing. So Clarke has to guess. “Bellamy isn’t going to leave you alone. It’s not who he is.”

“You died for them. I can’t live up to that.” Echo shakes her head and her next words are quieter. “He was yours first.”

It’s Clarke’s turn to shake her head. The idea that Bellamy was ever hers is… well, she’s not stupid. She knows what she wanted back then. She used to think that they denied themselves their chance out of a sense of duty to their people, but Clarke has had a lot of time for introspection over the last six years. The blindspot she had when it came to Bellamy was dangerous. If they had been more… if they became more… the thought of what she would risk to keep him safe is terrifying. Even now. Even after six years apart.

Clarke has to clear her throat before she can speak. “He’s been yours the longest. Nothing is going to change that.”

“Nothing _has_ changed and that’s the problem.” Echo takes a deep breath. “It’s not that I’m not grateful to you, too. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you. But that gratitude only extends so far and if you’re not going to protect them, too, then we have a problem.”

There’s no malice behind the words and the guilt in Clarke’s gut twists even more painfully.

Echo leans forward and sets a hand on Clarke’s knee. “I need you to promise me that you’re not going to abandon them.”

“Madi comes first.” Clarke grabs Echo’s hand before she can pull it away. “But I’m trying to find a way. Please understand that.”

“Think about what kind of world it would be without them,” Echo says, pulling her hand away and standing. “Do more than try.” Clarke watches her walk to the other end of the room and steels herself for more when Echo pauses at the door. “Bellamy’s looking for you, by the way. Madi took him to your… house.”

Echo wipes her eyes and then stalks out into the night and Clarke is alone again. Any peace she may have been close to is gone. There are too many people to consider; too many lives up in the air, waiting while she decides where she stands. She wipes her own eyes and takes a few deep breaths before she makes her own way outside.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm working on a second part to this as well. This was meant to be a one-shot, but I need to step away from the computer for a minute and the second part picks up like twelve or so hours after this part anyway.


End file.
